Today I'm going to be a little bit selfish

Things haven't been too bad here the last few days.  The weather has been decent enough that the kids have been outside.  I kicked them all out of the house after school work was done so I could get a few things done for work.  

We have it good.  We have enough food that we don't have to worry about going to the grocery story for at least another week (my husband braved the grocery store on Monday to get necessities and we will be set for awhile).  We have a roof over our head that we can still make payments on, because I still have my job.  I'm able to work from home and mitigate the risks to myself and my family. 

But I'm feeling a little sorry for myself. I know there are people out there who have it worse than me.  I know I'm pretty comfortable and in a decent situation (all things considered).  But I'm going to allow myself to have a little pity party today. 

We found out we are finally going to have a little girl.  I'm so excited at the prospect of having a little girl and sharing things with her.  To date, we have 3 boys.  And while I love them more than anything, this is special.  

In 2015 we lost a little girl.  She had triploidy - 3 sets of chromosomes instead of 2.  We went in for the 20 week anatomy scan, only to find out that she had stopped growing and her heart stopped beating about 2 1/2 weeks earlier.  It was absolutely devastating to us.  It took a few weeks to find out what was wrong, and that we had a little girl. 

We've been blessed to have 2 healthy boys since then - and I love them, but I will admit I had a twinge of sadness when I found out they were boys.  That subsided by the time they were born and I wouldn't trade my boys for anything in the world.

So now we are getting our baby girl.  And her twin brother!  And we should be out shopping for little girl clothes, and trying to figure out what we are going to do for a nursery, and making sure that we are prepared for both of their arrival.

Instead, we are at home.  We are safe, but we aren't able to enjoy this time preparing.  It's been stressful even trying to enjoy being pregnant because there are so many worries associated with this pandemic right now.  

I'm lucky in many ways.  I know that.  But for today, I think I'm going to be a little bit selfish and be a little bit sad that we can't prepare how we wanted for this little girl.