Today I'm going to be a little bit selfish

Things haven't been too bad here the last few days.  The weather has been decent enough that the kids have been outside.  I kicked them all out of the house after school work was done so I could get a few things done for work.  

We have it good.  We have enough food that we don't have to worry about going to the grocery story for at least another week (my husband braved the grocery store on Monday to get necessities and we will be set for awhile).  We have a roof over our head that we can still make payments on, because I still have my job.  I'm able to work from home and mitigate the risks to myself and my family. 

But I'm feeling a little sorry for myself. I know there are people out there who have it worse than me.  I know I'm pretty comfortable and in a decent situation (all things considered).  But I'm going to allow myself to have a little pity party today. 

We found out we are finally going to have a little girl.  I'm so excited at the prospect of having a little girl and sharing things with her.  To date, we have 3 boys.  And while I love them more than anything, this is special.  

In 2015 we lost a little girl.  She had triploidy - 3 sets of chromosomes instead of 2.  We went in for the 20 week anatomy scan, only to find out that she had stopped growing and her heart stopped beating about 2 1/2 weeks earlier.  It was absolutely devastating to us.  It took a few weeks to find out what was wrong, and that we had a little girl. 

We've been blessed to have 2 healthy boys since then - and I love them, but I will admit I had a twinge of sadness when I found out they were boys.  That subsided by the time they were born and I wouldn't trade my boys for anything in the world.

So now we are getting our baby girl.  And her twin brother!  And we should be out shopping for little girl clothes, and trying to figure out what we are going to do for a nursery, and making sure that we are prepared for both of their arrival.

Instead, we are at home.  We are safe, but we aren't able to enjoy this time preparing.  It's been stressful even trying to enjoy being pregnant because there are so many worries associated with this pandemic right now.  

I'm lucky in many ways.  I know that.  But for today, I think I'm going to be a little bit selfish and be a little bit sad that we can't prepare how we wanted for this little girl.

It actually hit me today.

My husband had to have a test this morning so my mom was kind enough to come watch the kids.  She was here super early and they had a good morning together.  When we got home she said her goodbyes and got ready to leave.  I could see it in her face.  I could see it in her eyes.  The same thing I was feeling.  Grief.

I started working from home today, meaning I'm not leaving for anything except groceries and appointments for at least the next 2 weeks - but we will see if it goes longer.  My  mom is used to seeing the kids a few times a week.  I'm used to seeing my mom a few times a week.  And it hit hard that this could be the last time I see her in person for a few weeks. 

Today made it all feel real.  I'm sitting in my dining room, working from home, taking conference calls and webinars.  I'm doing what I can to maintain some sort of working normalcy (and I was able to accomplish A LOT today) but it's not the same.  It would be different if this was my choice and it wasn't in the middle of a pandemic.  It would be different if we were snowed in and I physically couldn't leave the house.  But I can.  It's just that I shouldn't. 

The cases are much closer to home now.  6 in my county, over 800 in the state.  It's only going to get worse - we know that as they are testing more and more people the numbers are going to explode.  That part is common sense.  What we don't know at this point is if the social distancing is working.  We probably won't know that for another week or two - when we can see how full the hospitals are and how many deaths are occurring. 

Schools in Pennsylvania are closed for at least another 2 weeks - so at the earliest they will go back right after Easter.  I haven't told my son, but at this rate I'm doubting they will go back at all.  It will break his heart - there are so many things that they get to do at the end of the year.  

I'm trying to stay positive.  I'm trying to find the bright spots.  My two youngest are definite bright spots in this darkness. We are eating more meals as a family.  The weather is nice(ish) and we will be able to go outside. We are accomplishing projects at home (I've had blinds up for 5 years that are too long and finally got them shortened to the right length!).

In just a few months we will be swimming and back to weekend family dinners at my parents.  We will get through this, and I'm hoping as a society we will be stronger than we were before.  I am hoping that families see that they don't have to have 12 after school activities to feel fulfilled - that people will slow down and get to know their neighbors.  I'm hoping that the positive changes in the environment will stay and that the kids and young adults will remember these times and push for changes to keep our planet clean.  

These days when I'm working from home are precious.  These are moments I'm going to have with my kids that I normally would not have.  I'm going to be able to make memories with them that otherwise we would be too busy to make.  TODAY that is my takeaway.  

Today they are my positive.  

Let's talk about the positives....

Wednesday was a good day in our house.  We got to see our babies again in the ultrasound and they are growing well.  It put my mind at ease and I feel better knowing they are growing nearly perfectly!

There's still a lot of uncertainty and chaos in the world.  Yesterday California basically closed down, except for non-essential services, and Pennsylvania did the same thing.  Our office is still open (I work in healthcare) but for the time being my dad and husband cannot work because all construction is to cease. 

It's so easy to get bogged down with the tragic and uncertain circumstances so I've decided that today I want to focus on the good things happening...I want to focus on the positives that have come out of this crazy situation.

1. This pandemic is forcing us, as a society, to start to slow down.  With schools, entertainment venues, sports and many businesses shut down, there's not a lot to do but some good old fashioned conversation, walks outside and playing together.  Obviously this is not the ideal way for this to happen, but if people can see that going a million miles an hour isn't necessary, maybe we can be happier.
2. With manufacturing plants shut down, cars not driving everywhere and people staying home, the Earth is starting to heal itself.  Children in China are seeing blue skies for the first time - some of them for the first time EVER.  Maybe this will be a wake-up call to ALL of us just how precious the world is and how we must take care of it.
3. I've seen many stories of people coming together to care for each other.  Because the virus causes the most harm to the elderly population, neighbors are getting groceries for each other, making sure they are taken care of, and checking in - just to make sure everyone is okay.
4. Stories of the TRUE heroes of this world are starting to come to the forefront - the healthcare workers, truckers, farmers and grocery store employees.  There are fewer stories of sports figures, actors/actresses and politicians coming out.  We are seeing the stories of the people who truly are the ones who make the country run.
5. This will not last forever. We aren't dealing with a nuclear fallout.  We aren't dealing with a war with another country.  We are dealing with a virus and ALL fighting the same enemy - worldwide.  This virus will be around forever. But we will not be on lockdown, or told to stay home, or closed forever.  There is hope.  We don't know the end timeframe - but we do know that this will not go on until the end of time.
6. The weather is getting warmer and we are able to get outside.  We aren't battling cold temperatures and insane snowfall.  It's spring.

It's Friday.

I get to go home tonight to my kids and husband.  We have to stay home this weekend and bond.  We will play some games, accomplish some things on our to-do lists, and do our best to just enjoy each others company. 

We will beat this. I have no doubt.

Day 2

Well now, this got serious very quickly.

As of midnight last night, all non-essential businesses were asked to close.  Not mandated (we haven't reached that point yet), but asked to close.  It was also recommended that gatherings be kept to 10 people or less - so no more large family dinners for awhile.

Things feel chaotic - confusing - claustrophobic - right now.  I hate not knowing what the next hour will bring as far as my freedom to move around and do what I want / need to do.  I'm 21 weeks pregnant with twins and very fortunate not to be a high risk case.  But at the same time my appointments are being cancelled and with losing a baby in the past I'm still nervous.  You'd think after 2 healthy babies I would be over the fears, but I'm not.  And this whole pandemic makes it all worse.

I'm still going to work.  It doesn't seem like I'm at a higher risk because I'm pregnant, but I've also seen differing reports that I am.  It's confusing.  It's overwhelming. The doctors office told me if/when we have active cases that it's in my best interest to work from home and they will write me an excuse.  And I could do it now, but there aren't any cases in my county.  So I'm going to save that for when it's actually needed so I can shelter in place at home and still be able to work.

The world we live in is so weird today. In some ways we are trying to be totally normal - playing video games, eating family dinners like it's any other day. But then it's not normal - stores and gyms closing, restaurants only doing take-out or delivery, churches live-streaming services so they are protecting the vulnerable in the congregation but not sacrificing the messaging. 

I wish they would just impose all the infringement on our freedoms now, and then it lasts for 14-21 days and then we're done.  There's no way we are going to get out of this without many deaths.  And I get why they are trying to "flatten the curve" (that will be one of the phrases that I will now hate until the end of time - along with "all the things," but that's another entry for another day) but stop the death by a thousand cuts and just impose restrictions.  It feels right now like we are just waiting on the other shoe to drop.  I want it to drop so there's a timeline, a distinct knowledge of where we are, and the ability to move forward.

This uncertainty is oppressing and depressing.

Here we go...

Tomorrow officially starts 2 weeks of schools being closed here in Pennsylvania and probably many more closings to come.

I won't lie... When this all started I thought it was blown out of proportion and these closures were ridiculous. Now, while I still think some things have happened in the wrong order (close schools but none of the entertainment venues where families will flock...) I'm prepared for the total closure of everything. 

It's been really odd... Almost as if everyone has lost their minds. Grown adults buying baby formula to drink because "it doesn't go bad like milk"... Nevermind there's such a thing as powdered milk... Shelves emptied of eggs and toilet paper but lots of bagels and bread still available.

I give this 8 to 10 weeks before things start to go back to normal... Before schools and businesses open back up, before nursing homes allow visitors to freely enter again. Until then, my family is prepared to be home as much as we can (except for work and groceries ever 1 to 2 weeks) and maybe accomplish something we've been putting off here. 

I'm a little scared... I am due with twins in July and no one knows how this virus affects pregnant women. But I refuse to let myself be scared the whole time. I'm going to find something positive every day and we will be okay.